A functional and fulfilling marriage requires a commitment from both spouses. There are a lot of common scenarios that could potentially lead to marital issues, separation, and in some cases, divorce; however, even if you and your partner have drifted apart, there are ways to work through conflict and differences. If the effort to reconcile comes from both sides of the relationship, a positive outcome is possible.
Can My Marriage Be Saved?
Every couple’s circumstances are unique, ranging from a lack of communication to infidelity. That said, there is hope for reconciliation if you can employ the advice of experts, including empathy, self-care, and couples therapy.
What Can Cause a Marriage to Fall Apart?
According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s a good idea to stay away from the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or in other words, indicators that he says may predict the end of a relationship.1 In relationships, the four horsemen are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
Other issues that may cause a marriage to fall apart include:
No communication
Infidelity
Lack of intimacy
Stress related to finances
Religious differences
Incompatibility
Constant fights
11 Tips to Save Your Marriage
To start putting in the work to save your marriage, try the following tips: use kindness when discussing a conflict, be gentle, practice self-awareness, know when it’s time to take a break, look for positives, listen with empathy, give each other space, practice self-care, stay away from the four horsemen, and seek help from a couples therapist.
Here are 11 tips to save your marriage:
1. Don’t Wait
It’s important to start right away if you feel that there are issues in your marriage. You don’t want to wait until there is so much bothering you about the relationship that managing everything becomes too much. Procrastinating addressing things as they come up leads to a lot of pent up emotions, which can be overwhelming for everyone involved.
2. Identify Issues and Goals
When you identify an issue, it’s important to be able to talk about it and come up with goals for how to mitigate the concern. Sometimes an issue for one person isn’t an issue for the other, but it’s important to consider your partner’s issues as issues for the relationship as a whole. Come together as partners, lay out the potholes, and identify goals to create a roadmap of how to get around these potholes.
3. Commit to Changing
To save a relationship, you have to really be committed to the cause and the reason why the changes are necessary. Those reasons must become values you hold to or the changes will be short lived. Relationships require commitment each day, and as couples grow, the needs of the relationship can also change. If you’re working on a specific problem in your relationship, making a daily promise to improve in the ways you’ve laid out with your partner can make a big difference over time.
4. Take the Initiative
If you are feeling like you want to address something, don’t wait for your partner to bring it up. You are just as accountable for the success of the relationship as your partner, so ensuring you are speaking up and taking the step yourself is important, because this also can help your partner feel safe to bring things up that they would like to address as well.
5. Use Kindness When Discussing a Conflict of Interest
When you love someone and are committed to making your relationship work, use kindness when approaching or discussing conflict, and learn to fight fair when you have differences in opinion. The majority of the time, the issue has more to do with how it was brought up, the context, and the meaning behind it.
For example, here are two ways to approach the subject of dirty dishes:
“Why can’t you empty the damn sink?! Is it because you think you have a maid here? You are so lazy. I am tired of you.”
“Can you please wash the dishes? I appreciate all the hard work you do around the house. Thank you for being so helpful.”
The way we say things can easily trigger old wounds in our partners — wounds that we may not even be aware of. In a simple statement like the example above, the other person can easily feel attacked, criticized, belittled, and unloved.
6. Be Gentle With Your Spouse
It is interesting to see how gentle we can be with other people vs. our partner. If a friend or a person that you admire walks into your new car and spills a Gatorade all over your seat, although it makes you upset, you will likely be gentle and say something like, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it; I’ll clean it up.”
Why is it so much easier to be gentle with other people and not with our spouses? Ask yourself that question and analyze what feelings come up.
7. Work On Communicating Better
Communication is a foundation for the success of any relationship. Words hold a lot of power, and saying something mean or unkind can do damage that may take months to recover from. Communication in a relationship is best when you are both calm to receive information rather than react. Understanding what your goal is with your communication can make all the difference to make sure what you have to say lands safely.
8. Be Aware of Your Own Feelings
It can feel like your spouse is an expert at pointing out everything you do wrong, but only you can be the expert on how you are feeling. Self-awareness takes work but it allows you to make more mindful choices.
The only way to fully access your control over your feelings is to take time and analyze your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Observe your emotions, try to label them, and embrace them. There are no wrong feelings, only wrong choices.
9. Know When to Take a Break
Once you become aware of your feelings, learn how to take a break during an argument. Kindly ask your spouse for 10 minutes to calm down before you continue the conversation. Just make sure you actually come back after 10 minutes.
Don’t use that time to think of ways to “win” the argument; instead, take deep breaths, practice a relaxation technique, and clear your mind. Remember that relationships are more important than being right.
10. Stop Making Assumptions
Clarity is key to moving forward, especially when you are trying to repair a damaged relationship. Assuming is nothing more than glorified worrying. When we assume, we take away our partner’s power and words, which can lead to a lack of trust. The assumptions we have often come from insecurities or because we are fearful of having a tough conversation. It’s important to understand that assumptions can leave people feeling misunderstood. Rather than assuming, take the time to ask the questions even if you think they are silly to ask.
11. Look For the Positives
Look for your partner’s positive actions and characteristics on a daily basis. According to Dr. Gottman, actively searching for a positive sentiment makes a huge difference in how you respond to negativity. Our brain finds what it’s looking for, so if you are constantly looking for faults, you will find them. If you consciously choose to look for positive attributes and actions, you will find them as well.
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