How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

Sex is often an important component to romantic relationships; however, if you can’t have traditional sexual intercourse or choose not to, there is nothing wrong with your relationship. Humans choose or adapt to all kinds of arrangements. Still, for many people, especially those in a long-term relationship, a healthy sex life is essential. It helps build a bond with your partner, express your love, and can even improve self-confidence.oes Sexual Satisfaction Lead to Relationship Satisfaction? There seems to be consensus that, at least for many people, sexual satisfaction impacts relationship satisfaction.1,2,3,4 Not only do people with satisfying sex lives feel better about their relationships, they also have higher ratings of happiness and mental health.5,6,7 Several researchers found that people who report having a satisfying sex life also report feeling that their lives have more meaning.8,9

Benefits of Sex In a Relationship Sex is good for you. Sex in a relationship has many benefits, even when its make up sex after a disagreement, including reduced anxiety, improved sleep, decreased physical pain, and increased intimacy. Sexual satisfaction in a relationship has these benefits: Builds trust and intimacy Helps heal old emotional and sexual injuries Helps you become an expert on your partner Helps you learn about yourself Builds self-esteem Supports good health Improves sleep Reduces anxiety and stress Decreases physical pain (e.g. migraines) Leads to wanting more sex Promotes better cognitive function Ideal Frequency of Sex In a Relationship One study found that greater frequency is related to greater sexual satisfaction in both women and men.10,11,12,13 But there is no magic number that works for everyone. The optimal frequency is usually an average between each person’s libido, because libidos are rarely equally matched. Like all things in relationships, sexual frequency needs to feel fair to both parties. Cullen says, “There is no right or wrong amount of sex that couples should be having in their relationship. However, if one of you feels frequency is a concern in your relationship then you should make time to discuss what the expectations are or barriers to meeting each other’s needs in this area.” Differences In Libido If one partner seems to have no desire for sex and the other does, this could present significant challenges to the relationship. Each partner should take a non-judgemental, sympathetic stance towards their partner’s natural libido level and negotiate from there. Work on talking openly about libido levels and any feelings of rejection or frustration, especially if you feel like you’re headed toward a sexless marriage or relationship. While many studies show that frequency of sex correlates with sexual satisfaction, it does not always tell the whole story. A satisfying sex life and a warm interpersonal climate seem to matter more than greater frequency of intercourse.13 If both parties feel that the sexual encounters themselves are satisfying and that there’s a high degree of emotional intimacy, then frequency becomes secondary, albeit often not entirely insignificant. Sex & Gender Research tends to show that cisgendered men think about sex more frequently than women.7,14,15 Research on this topic hasn’t fully caught up with diversity and inclusion efforts, so while gay men, lesbian women, and cisgendered heterosexual couples have all been surveyed, transgendered and non-binary people are conspicuously absent from research. One national survey found that over 50% of the men reported thinking about sex daily, whereas only 20% of the women reported thinking about sex that often.7 Another study on desire and gender replicated those findings; in their study, 91% of the men but only 52% of the women experienced sexual desire several times a week or more. In other studies on daily sexual thoughts, twenty-somethings were asked to monitor their sexual feelings for one week. Researchers found that men had more than twice as many sexual urges each day as compared to the women.14,15 These results loosely held for people who identified as being same-sex attracted, as well as those who were married or cohabitating.14,15 Still, cisgendered women’s libido is complex. Some literature says that many women may not generate their own sexual fantasy, images, or impulses so much as choose to respond to those brought by their partner. Many women resonate with the idea of two different types of sex drive— instigative and receptive. Some women seem to have much more of a responsive vs. initiative drive.16,17,18 Causes of a Changing Sex Drive There are many reasons why you or your partner may experience a change in sex drive, including big life changes, new medications, health issues, mental health concerns, and hormonal imbalances. These things can all impact someone’s sex life: Life transitions (e.g., childbirth, menopause, new job, job loss, grief, etc.) Infertility Hormone changes Medication side effects Mental health issues Relationship issues (e.g., infidelity, an emotional affair, or other betrayal trauma) If you and your partner are experiencing an unwanted dead bedroom (lack of sexual activity), reaching out to a sex therapist or couples counselor may be an option to work through it.