How to Be a Better Lover?

Got an FWB coming over in 30 minutes and want tips stat? Or planning to get your flirt (and freak) on at the bar tonight? These tips are for you. Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues Carly S., pleasure expert and founder of Dildo or Dildon’t, says there’s one caveat to the “It’s not possible to be bad in bed” thesis statement. “If you’re completely ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate with you, and steamrolling them into doing whatever you want, you’re a bad lover,” she says. TBH, at this point, you’re not having sex with your partner — you’re violating them. Your move: Tune into what your partner is saying with their words, mouths, hands, and body. Communicate, communicate, communicate “Your partner isn’t a mind-reader,” Stubbs says. “For them to know what you do and don’t like, you have to tell them.” For the record, she says, communicating can be as simple as saying: “That feels good! How does it feel for you?” “Yes! That!” “A little more pressure, please!” “Is your tongue getting tired?” “Can you do that thing you were doing earlier instead?” Check your ego at the door If your ego is telling you, “If they need lube, it’s because they don’t like you” or “If they want a vibrator, it’s because you’re inadequate,” tell your ego to shut up. “Sex toys and sexual wellness aids are inanimate objects that are designed to increase how pleasurable the sexual encounter is,” Carly says. So, she says, if your partner expresses an interest in bringing those into the bedroom, your first thought shouldn’t be “I’m not good enough.” It should be “Wow! My partner wants to experience pleasure with me.” Don’t fake your orgasm Faking your orgasm is the opposite of communicating what you want in bed, according to Stubbs. “Faking orgasms positively reinforces bad technique,” she says. If you’ve been faking it up to this point, you could have an open and honest conversation. You might, for example, consider saying: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you emotionally and physically. But, before we continue having sex, I want to be transparent about the fact that I’ve been faking my orgasms. It isn’t that the sex hasn’t felt good — it has! — but I’ve been too shy to ask for what I need to orgasm. Do you think next time it would be OK if I touched my clit during sex?” Begin talking about sex more Specifically: When you’re fully clothed. “Talking about sex outside the bedroom automatically makes it a lower stakes conversation,” Carly says. “Because of that, it can become easier for people to talk about their fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, and more.” You might do this by: asking your partner if they find a sex scene on the screen hot inviting your partner to help you pick out underwear watching a sexy music video together telling your partner when you feel randomly aroused sharing your sex dreams with your partner